So amid a very tipsy state, I decided to eat lechon (to relieve my drunkenness) with cauliflower (to relieve myself of the guilt of eating something as sinful as lechon), and herein I realized why even when I've been longing to write for quite some time, I haven't really been brave enough to be able to put something out there. I've been afraid of myself for a while you see. And I've been hiding behind my own white lies and made up truths like there are no calories in cauliflower with lechon because cauliflower is a vegetable.
You see the problem with keeping a blog is you have to keep to a filtered truth. You have to make it look pretty and relay it in a coherent way with your readers possibly expecting a structured intro, body, and ending.
I can't.
Right now I don't really feel like being my structured self because in the midst of eating cauliflower with lechon I have realized how afraid I am of being alone. Alone is exactly how I will be if I do not latch on to a partner soon and my father passes away. That is my sad reality right now. I know we all have our sad realities. I tried giving an example after that sentence and I realized I cannot give a good enough example that will not trivialize the sad realities so many other people face everyday. Living with my dad the past five years has made me realize how much I rely on him for a great many grown up things. Like driving for me, getting half of our bills paid, making sure our loan requirements are accomplished, making sure the rent from our leased out spaces are collected, making sure our house help does her job accordingly, accomplishing house repairs as needed... so okay I can go on and on here. Yes, I pay for my half of everything. Yes, I contribute to daily meals and do the groceries every month. But really, that is so little compared to what my dad and I can accomplish being just my dad and I. It's a partnership, trust, and belief in one another that we share that I can most probably not give to anyone else. We both trust in one another that I know when I get into a rut he will do everything possible to get me out of it, and I know he knows I will do everything possible for him as well.
This is my ideal relationship.
He looks for me right about the time when I'd feel neglected if he didn't. He knows I hoard my food and doesn't touch anything when I put them in little tupperwares in the fridge. He knows I don't like people touching my organized mess, and always asks for permission if he feels it becomes more messy than organized. I somehow always lose my temper when I teach him to catch on with technology even when I used to be technical support representative, but I know he knows I will always teach him again if he needs it. I got my sporadic hot temper from him anyway.
I am so afraid of losing this ideal relationship when the time comes that I have to let go.
And seeing how I almost edited my paragraph above, I will close this entry with this. I love you so much Papa, it isn't your birthday, but we make such a dynamic duo. I really sincerely hope you have many more years to come.
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